Dear You

Dear You,

I am you, I know exactly how you feel. I know the craving to fill yourself with anything that might make you feel better, to drink until you pass out, to pop pills until your numb, to smoke weed until you green-out, to fuck with out feeling, to cut until you feel that you can't bleed anymore, to eat until you feel like you'll explode, and to turn on the shower to scalding and stand in it until it feels cold. I know you even though I don't. we share the feeling of hitting the bottom of a bottomless pit. You claw yourself up the wall as far as you can, but then the rain comes and you slide back down, your hands bloody, raw, and numb. You feel even more hopeless than you did before. You try again and again but never make it to the top. It feels impossible, it feels like the walls are closing in, and soon there will be no way out. I wish I didn't know these feelings, but I do, and yet I'm still here. I am here to tell you, you will get out, to keep fighting, and never give up. A year ago I was ready to die, to end it all in the prison that was my dorm room. No one knew the pain I was in, because I kept up a mask to hide the pain I was feeling. What I want you to do is let down your mask, own who you are, and get help. Since I let my mask down I have received so much support and love from my family and friends, it gives me the strength to keep on fighting. I am nowhere near "cured" but since becoming congruent and owning who I am and what I'm going through, it has gotten better. Another thing I want from you is to find and outlet. Mine is reading, writing, drawing, anything that I can use to get my emotions out. Expressing your emotions keeps you from going crazy in your own head, keeps you from feeling like you'll explode, and allows others to understand you better, allows them to support and love you, to give you strength. This will give you the power to keep going. Find your outlet and keep fighting, things will get better, I am living proof, and that is the power of expression. Keep fighting you are worth it.

With Love,
SackZack

I'm Sorry

This is just a short post. I would like to take the time to apologize for not posting anything in so long. I have been a little busy struggling with my condition. As you all know motivation and drive are just some of the things you lose while battling depression and anxiety. I have a bunch of posts written and will be posting them  soon.

support

Everyone needs support, whether your the CEO of a company, in the Army, or suffering from anxiety and depression. Support is what gets things done, CEO's have employees, soldiers have a unit, but what do we have? We have family, friends, and loved ones, but to activate their support me must first express our feelings to them. I know how hard this is, believe me, it took me 7 years to tell my family how i felt and even longer to tell my friends. I was scared, and it is scary, you fear judgment, and those few people turning away from you, or thinking you are broken, or just not understanding at all. But they dont have to understand they just have to be there for you. My advice is fight through hose feelings and put yourself out there. If they truly love you they will not judge you. Only when you expose yourself can the people who love you, be there for you. Since i exposed myself i have recieved a tremendous amount of support, mostly from my family but even from my friends. It is this support that gets me through the day and keeps those dark thoughts out of my head. Since i explained my feelings to my loved ones, we share a heart and the condition. When i hurt they hurt, and when they hurt i see whats truly worth living for, Love. If you have people who love you, you can get through anything life throws at you. If you think you can't tell anyone how your feeling then E-mail me, I will always be there for anyone who needs help getting through this terrible affliction.

Virtual Reality

     Have you ever wanted to get away, to escape reality, even for a little while. For me and people who share my symptoms wanting to escape becomes something even more, it becomes the ultimate goal, to get away from the negative feelings for as long as possible. For us it isnt just an escape from a stressful day or a task you dont want to complete. It is an escape from life, an escape from the horrible feelings that follow us everyday no matter what the task or situation.
      Soon after I began to notice my symptoms 7 years ago, although i didnt they were symptoms, I began playing a game called RuneScape. For MMORPG's, massive multi-player online role playing game, at the time it was a very primitive browser based game. But for me it became my escape and a huge part of my life. Playing the game literally allowed me to be someone else while i played. I was able to become my character, a strong warrior who could not be stopped by anything, a quaility i whished i had to deal with my depression. The best part about this was that my character didn't share my symptoms. The game also allowed me to converse with other players without agitating my anxiety. I could finally meet new people and be myself, because it didn't feel like i was constantly being judged, and if i was judged it was my character not me.
      After RuneScape I progressed to a more advanced and in depth MMO, World of Warcraft, or WoW for short. This game provided the same escape RuneScape did but with a few improvements based on the quality and depth of the game. The social interaction in WoW was much more because it is more team based than Runescape. This scared me at first because my symptoms caused me to shy away from social interaction, so at first i would not join groups from dungeons i would just play on my own. What i soon realized was that i was still that strong warrior from the old game just in a new environment. This gave me the confidence to join Guilds and Groups and made me outgoing within the game, again because it was true social interaction. I played WoW for six years reaching the maximum level and participating in endgame content (need groups for this.) This gave me more and more confidence in my character and made me feel needed as part of a team, and even allowed me to make "friends." I put friends in quotes because even though i veiw them as firends to whom i talked with every day, they were still not real friends who really knew me, they just new me as my character in the game. Hiding behind my character allowed me to be social without the anxiety that plagued me in real life. I could be a team player, feel needed, and have friends. No wonder these games became a huge part of my life. I would play these games six, seven, eight and sometimes more hours a day, just to escape from my symptoms that i wished werent there.In the game i fit in, i wasnt different from everyone like i was in real life. I was outgoing and needed by my small society called a guild, a group of people under one leader. I could speak openly, joke, give advice, and do all kinds of other things i could never do in real life. Once i became an experianced player these fellings increased and so did my confidence. I could now be a mentor or an irreplaceable part of a 10 man team, needed to kill bosses
       Even with all these positives there were negatives too. I became more and more withdrawn from the real world, from my real friends, and even from my family, it also caused me to hid from my symptoms rather tha address them.  There were even times my symptoms were so bad the games didnt help, and with no other skills to manage my symptoms I was forced to put that mask back on, and every time i put the mask on it became heavier and heavier, harder to keep up. I had to pretend that i was okay and go about my normal life. Even if the game was working there were times i couldnt play and i would have to do the aforementioned.
      Today, i still use these games to manage my symptoms  it is still much easier to be myself on the game than with my friends in real life, it is also much easier to speak to people you cant see when you have anxiety like mine and have one major thing already in common. The question i have now is "is this escape healthy or is it hurting me working on myself?" and " Is this an addiction, a way to manage my symptoms, an escape, or all three?"
Overcoming Depression One Step at a Time By Addis, Michael E., Ph.D./ Martell, Christopher R. (Google Affiliate Ad)

Don't read this post

before i start blabbering incoherently i want to say that this post is entirely for me though im still not sure i should write it because once i do i will be branded with a scarlet letter because only a few of you actually understand what im going through. ive been dealing with anxiety and depression for about 7 years now and i didnt think i could go any lower than i already had. Today changed that this is the most painful day of my entire life i want and dont want a plethora of things all at the same time. Ive been fighting an uphill battle for seven years most of those years on my own and im exhausted. the pain i go through everyday is indescribable and even for me the person who deals with it, unfathomable. i dont understand why i am this way why i cant be normal why this all just wont go away. it isnt fair and im tired of it. everyday of my life is a vortex of a million emotions half of which i dont even understand they are feelinsg without a name just raw painful emotion. Im so confused all the time and it doesnt help my situation. i dont know how or what to feel or where all this pain comes from, but it doesnt really matter because its there its always there constant pain. all i want to do is give up to close my eyes one night and never wake up and then on the otherhand i want to fight so hard to get these feelings to flee, but it seems they will never go away. at this point im on so much medication that i dont even know whats doing what and sometimes i just want to start over to give up on the small ammount of progress ive made and go back a few steps so that maybe i can see whats actually helping. i want to cry but i cant i want to die but i cant i just want all these feelings to go away and never come back. i want to start my life i want to actually do something useful instead of pouring all my energy into a battle it seems i cant win. im sure all of you have experianced not being able to do something you want but multiply that by a thousand and thats how i feel about my life, it just seems like its going no where an endless circle of pain. I thought i had a handle on it that i could see the light at the end of the tunnel that i was getting to a point where i could function normally, and then i watched as that light was sucked back through the abyss and finally blinked out into nothing, i feel like i have somehow managed to hit the bottom of an endless pit. and now i sit in the dark surrounded by my pain wiriting to an audience that doesnt even exist trying to get my emoions out in someway. ive beenw riting in my head all morning enough to fill book after book it seems and its making me crazy because even as i write now i know its just raw emotion no begining no end. i feel like a bomb with a thousand wires all tangled and crossed with no way to defuse it just waiting to explode. i feel lost lost behind all my pain its even how i define myself. i have no idea who i am other than negative emotions and endless pain. the saddest part is i dont see anywhere to go no future no past no present just pain and its eating me alive. no one understands, everyone understands the concept but no one understands the actual feeling except maybe a few people that ive never met, i tell my family im having a bad day but do they really have any idea what that even means, becaause i barely do, everyday seems like a bad day and all i can do about it is run out the clock until i can finally fall asleep and escape from my emotions for a little while. all iw ant to do is drink or smoke or do anything that will take away this pain to give me a feeling i can hold onto that i can describe thats actualy tangible something that makes sense. because how i feel on a daily basis doesnt make sense and just furhter confirms that there is no god because if there was he wouldnt put this much on a single person people are strong but can only take so much, and i keep taking and taking and taking and get nothing back in return my body just fills up to these breaking points where i am right now and some how manages to take more so i feel okay for a little while until the reserves fill up again and i feel like i cant take anymore but then somehow the reserve gets bigger so i can take some more. this post makes no sense and neither does my condition i wanto to beat my hands bloody against a wall but i dont even have the motivation to do that, i want to cut but i cant i want to die but i cant i just want to feel better but i cant even do that. iv been staring into the abyss for so long it hink that its finally staring back, i feel bloody beaten scared and broken, a bloody pulp of pain and emotion that i cant even begin to fathom even thiugh im the one feeling it, so how can my docytors and therapists help me if i cant even help myself tomake some sense of what im feeling. hate, hate is the only thing i can use to describe how i feel, i hate who i am and what i feel and why im like this, i just hate everything. people talk about the joy they find in there lives and that its the true meaning of happiness i dont find joy in my life all i find is hate. so i hide in my virtual world of online gaming where i can hold the feelings at bay for a little longer and i can actually interact with people on a level that is somewhat normal but even that is becoming tiressome and thats not even real joy its an escape just like any other drug just a way for me to be someone else other than myself for a little while even though i dont even know who i am.everyday i ask myself when is this going to end or why cant it just end wheres my bus that will hit me when i step out into the street where and when is "god" going to give me a stroke of luck and take all my pain away. am i ever going to feel normal to be normal to enjoy my life and do something meaningful, when am i going to be able to start my life to do something other than manage my symptoms, i want to live. this is the real raw uncut unedited feelings of anxiety and depression maybe someone will understand.
[CD] The Mindful Way Through Depression By Williams, J. Mark G./ Teasdale, John/ Segal, Zindel/ Kabat-Zinn, Jon (Google Affiliate Ad)

The Story Behind SackZack

Being new to blogging I am not sure whether or not you can see my name, if not it is Zack Koval, but for my blog I will be going by SackZack. Because of that I figured I should go into a little more detail about the name. As you know i went to a boarding school called Avon Old Farms. At Avon sack is slang for "sack of shit" now I know your probably thinking why the hell would you want to go by that. The reason is sack really means to be lazy or to sit on your ass. Example: Lets go sack it. While i was at Avon I spent most of my time in my room watching TV or playing games and many of my friends affectionately referred to me as a sack. What they didn't realize was I was not just being lazy or choosing to be in my room all the time, it was just a way for me to protect myself from the feelings that came with social interactions, and was also one of the symptoms of my depression. I go by SackZack because its a bit of a paradox, yes i was technically being lazy but the real reason is I was suffering from depression and anxiety. I believe this name describes the symptoms of these conditions, so it accurately describes me, along with being an affectionate nickname. The point of this post is to give you a little more insight into my life but to also explain to people that we are not just being lazy, this is a negative side effect of anxiety and depression.
Climbing Out of Depression By Atkinson, Sue (Google Affiliate Ad)

the power of expression

Being the first real post of this blog it seemed fitting to title it after the namesake of my blog. My first post doesnt really explain the name so let me take the time now. I consider art and expression to be synonymis. i believe you cant have one without the other. even if you are just expressing your feelings through speech there is an art to it. Ive gone through most of my life not really feeling any emotions other than pain, fear, anger, and frustration, 4 very base emotions that most people feel easily. through therapy i learned that as another of my defense mechanisms i would push my emotions away and only these 4 powerful emotions would sometimes make there way through my barrier. This made emotions very confusing for me, everyone would say they feel emotions like sympathy and empathy and many others but i had never felt them because they were hidden beneath a hardened carapace. another thing i learned through therapy was how to better access and express my feelings to others and myself. Do not be like me, pushing your emotions away is exhausting and prevents you from seeing the real you. At first when i began to unlock my emotions i was overwhelmed i felt so many things i never had before and could barely explain to my councilor what i was feeling. this is where art helped me. I guess my point is you need to find an outlet and use it. My outlet is art.( sort of a confusing concept as my art of expression is art, a term that can mean so many things.) the art i used as my outlet was reading, writing, and drawing. these things gave me away to express myself even when i couldnt do it verbally. it is much easier for me to put down on paper what i am feeling than to actually say it. reading also helped because i could relate the the feelings a character experienced in the story. You dont need to be a picaso or emerson, or read dense philosophical books, as i certainly am not and dont. Art is about you, Art is imperfect, art can describe almost anything as long as it has meaning to you, and most importantly art is expression. Find your art, and express yourself, because expression is power.
The Freedom from Depression Workbook By Carter, Les/ Minirth, Frank B. (Google Affiliate Ad)