Virtual Reality

     Have you ever wanted to get away, to escape reality, even for a little while. For me and people who share my symptoms wanting to escape becomes something even more, it becomes the ultimate goal, to get away from the negative feelings for as long as possible. For us it isnt just an escape from a stressful day or a task you dont want to complete. It is an escape from life, an escape from the horrible feelings that follow us everyday no matter what the task or situation.
      Soon after I began to notice my symptoms 7 years ago, although i didnt they were symptoms, I began playing a game called RuneScape. For MMORPG's, massive multi-player online role playing game, at the time it was a very primitive browser based game. But for me it became my escape and a huge part of my life. Playing the game literally allowed me to be someone else while i played. I was able to become my character, a strong warrior who could not be stopped by anything, a quaility i whished i had to deal with my depression. The best part about this was that my character didn't share my symptoms. The game also allowed me to converse with other players without agitating my anxiety. I could finally meet new people and be myself, because it didn't feel like i was constantly being judged, and if i was judged it was my character not me.
      After RuneScape I progressed to a more advanced and in depth MMO, World of Warcraft, or WoW for short. This game provided the same escape RuneScape did but with a few improvements based on the quality and depth of the game. The social interaction in WoW was much more because it is more team based than Runescape. This scared me at first because my symptoms caused me to shy away from social interaction, so at first i would not join groups from dungeons i would just play on my own. What i soon realized was that i was still that strong warrior from the old game just in a new environment. This gave me the confidence to join Guilds and Groups and made me outgoing within the game, again because it was true social interaction. I played WoW for six years reaching the maximum level and participating in endgame content (need groups for this.) This gave me more and more confidence in my character and made me feel needed as part of a team, and even allowed me to make "friends." I put friends in quotes because even though i veiw them as firends to whom i talked with every day, they were still not real friends who really knew me, they just new me as my character in the game. Hiding behind my character allowed me to be social without the anxiety that plagued me in real life. I could be a team player, feel needed, and have friends. No wonder these games became a huge part of my life. I would play these games six, seven, eight and sometimes more hours a day, just to escape from my symptoms that i wished werent there.In the game i fit in, i wasnt different from everyone like i was in real life. I was outgoing and needed by my small society called a guild, a group of people under one leader. I could speak openly, joke, give advice, and do all kinds of other things i could never do in real life. Once i became an experianced player these fellings increased and so did my confidence. I could now be a mentor or an irreplaceable part of a 10 man team, needed to kill bosses
       Even with all these positives there were negatives too. I became more and more withdrawn from the real world, from my real friends, and even from my family, it also caused me to hid from my symptoms rather tha address them.  There were even times my symptoms were so bad the games didnt help, and with no other skills to manage my symptoms I was forced to put that mask back on, and every time i put the mask on it became heavier and heavier, harder to keep up. I had to pretend that i was okay and go about my normal life. Even if the game was working there were times i couldnt play and i would have to do the aforementioned.
      Today, i still use these games to manage my symptoms  it is still much easier to be myself on the game than with my friends in real life, it is also much easier to speak to people you cant see when you have anxiety like mine and have one major thing already in common. The question i have now is "is this escape healthy or is it hurting me working on myself?" and " Is this an addiction, a way to manage my symptoms, an escape, or all three?"
Overcoming Depression One Step at a Time By Addis, Michael E., Ph.D./ Martell, Christopher R. (Google Affiliate Ad)