Wednesday, October 3, 2012

about me and my condition


      My name is sackzack, im 19, and i suffer from anxiety and depression. let me first apologize for my spelling and grammar. I am writing this for me as much as i am the people suffering from similar conditions. i would love for this to become something more than a public diary, but this is also just a way for me to manage my symptoms through the power of expression. I am hoping that those of you out there sharing my condition will benefit from my experience and gain something from knowing there are others suffering just like you and possibly gain some knowledge and skills that will help you persevere through your own illness.
      I have been suffering from anxiety and depression since i was about 12 or 13, though i did not realize it until much later, when i was 18 and in my freshman year of college. It all started during middle school. During the first half of middle school i was one of the "popular" kids, outgoing, plenty of friends, playing sports, and participating in social activities. Little did i know this would all change faster than the blink of an eye. As middle school progressed i gradually turned away from friends, sports, and most interaction with people in general. I still had a few close friends but nowhere near the relationships and social interaction as before. I turned inward not knowing where else to. i didnt know why i was so different, from others and my old self, i just knew i was. It was a feeling so real it was almost tangible. It followed me everywhere i went, like a swarm, and interacting with people just confirmed this feeling. I hated who i had become but it seemed like there was nothing i could do but grin and bare it. Luckily for me, after 8th grade i was moving to a private boarding school in Connecticut. I thought it was going to be a fresh start, a place to become the person i had lost. This was not the case. My anxiety was only intensified by having to meet new people and my depression worsened being away from home, i cried almost every night for the first month. This is when i learned why strongest defense mechanism which i like to call my mask. Mask may be misleading because it was more like the closet of a theater company filled with tons and tons of masks. One of my strongest qualities was being able to read people, i knew what they wanted and expected and was able to fill this role by using my mask to pretend i was someone else. Using these masks i was able to make friends, and fake my way through social situations, although my anxiety was really eating me from the inside out, but my mask hid these feelings from everyone, teachers, friends, and family. I was once again the personable outgoing kid, in a way that was entirely artificial. As high school progressed I became more and more comfortable wearing the mask until i became the mask. I was a mess of ideals and qualities that werent my own but atleast i had friends. As my relationship with my friends strengthened i had to do less and less to maintain these relationships. this allowed me sit in my room and hide behind tv shows and games knowing that even if i didnt spend much time with them i would still have friends. After my sophmore year i literally made no friends, just did what little work i needed to to maintain the relationships i had, i also spent more time in my room than i did out. The reason being the masks required more and more work to keep up, it was like they were sucking the life out of me, this combined with the symptoms of my depression made it hard for me to keep up the facade. By my senior year i was skipping the schools required sports and classes, spending even more time in my room alone.
      Next came college, the days leading up to leaving for school were some of the most anxiety filled and depressing days of my life. Even though i had lived at boarding school the last three years of that my parents were 5 minutes away, and they were my lifeline. But again there was hope it would be another fresh start. Once i got there nothing changed, i was terrified about having to meet knew people yet again because at this point i could barely keep my masks up. I made three or four friends as quickly as possible then hid in my room playing games and watching tv with these "friends," activities that required as little interaction as possible. At this point the only thing getting me through the day was pot. I smoked constantly all day, everyday. It made me more personable and took away some of my anxiety and even gave me motivation to do more things making each activity just a little more bearable. But as the masks were making me exhausted it soon didnt do anymore but mask my feelings for a little while. The motivation, the enjoyment, the lack of anxiety all faded, and it just gave me a feeling different than the terrible ones that come with anxiety and depression. this lead to even more smoking, i wanted to feel anything other than what i was, im surprised i didnt turn to other drugs. towards the end of my first semester i could only keep the masks up for short bursts so i stayed in my room 24 hours a day, skipping class, not eating, sleeping a lot or not sleeping at all, and only interacting with the few people who came to visit, but again this time was only filled by smoking, watching tv, and playing games. This is where i finally realized i needed help, after 6 years. I went to see a few doctors and was diagnosed with anxiety, depression, and add, although the add wasnt a major problem it didnt help in combination with the other two illnesses. Soon after i made the decision to leave school and get the help i needed. I am now in therapy twice a week and see a psychiatrist one every two weeks. This is only the background of my condition, and i will have more specific stories to come in the future.
-SackZack
Email me at zjk1313@gmail.com
The Anxiety and Worry Workbook By Clark, David A./ Beck, Aaron T. (Google Affiliate Ad)

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