support

Everyone needs support, whether your the CEO of a company, in the Army, or suffering from anxiety and depression. Support is what gets things done, CEO's have employees, soldiers have a unit, but what do we have? We have family, friends, and loved ones, but to activate their support me must first express our feelings to them. I know how hard this is, believe me, it took me 7 years to tell my family how i felt and even longer to tell my friends. I was scared, and it is scary, you fear judgment, and those few people turning away from you, or thinking you are broken, or just not understanding at all. But they dont have to understand they just have to be there for you. My advice is fight through hose feelings and put yourself out there. If they truly love you they will not judge you. Only when you expose yourself can the people who love you, be there for you. Since i exposed myself i have recieved a tremendous amount of support, mostly from my family but even from my friends. It is this support that gets me through the day and keeps those dark thoughts out of my head. Since i explained my feelings to my loved ones, we share a heart and the condition. When i hurt they hurt, and when they hurt i see whats truly worth living for, Love. If you have people who love you, you can get through anything life throws at you. If you think you can't tell anyone how your feeling then E-mail me, I will always be there for anyone who needs help getting through this terrible affliction.

Virtual Reality

     Have you ever wanted to get away, to escape reality, even for a little while. For me and people who share my symptoms wanting to escape becomes something even more, it becomes the ultimate goal, to get away from the negative feelings for as long as possible. For us it isnt just an escape from a stressful day or a task you dont want to complete. It is an escape from life, an escape from the horrible feelings that follow us everyday no matter what the task or situation.
      Soon after I began to notice my symptoms 7 years ago, although i didnt they were symptoms, I began playing a game called RuneScape. For MMORPG's, massive multi-player online role playing game, at the time it was a very primitive browser based game. But for me it became my escape and a huge part of my life. Playing the game literally allowed me to be someone else while i played. I was able to become my character, a strong warrior who could not be stopped by anything, a quaility i whished i had to deal with my depression. The best part about this was that my character didn't share my symptoms. The game also allowed me to converse with other players without agitating my anxiety. I could finally meet new people and be myself, because it didn't feel like i was constantly being judged, and if i was judged it was my character not me.
      After RuneScape I progressed to a more advanced and in depth MMO, World of Warcraft, or WoW for short. This game provided the same escape RuneScape did but with a few improvements based on the quality and depth of the game. The social interaction in WoW was much more because it is more team based than Runescape. This scared me at first because my symptoms caused me to shy away from social interaction, so at first i would not join groups from dungeons i would just play on my own. What i soon realized was that i was still that strong warrior from the old game just in a new environment. This gave me the confidence to join Guilds and Groups and made me outgoing within the game, again because it was true social interaction. I played WoW for six years reaching the maximum level and participating in endgame content (need groups for this.) This gave me more and more confidence in my character and made me feel needed as part of a team, and even allowed me to make "friends." I put friends in quotes because even though i veiw them as firends to whom i talked with every day, they were still not real friends who really knew me, they just new me as my character in the game. Hiding behind my character allowed me to be social without the anxiety that plagued me in real life. I could be a team player, feel needed, and have friends. No wonder these games became a huge part of my life. I would play these games six, seven, eight and sometimes more hours a day, just to escape from my symptoms that i wished werent there.In the game i fit in, i wasnt different from everyone like i was in real life. I was outgoing and needed by my small society called a guild, a group of people under one leader. I could speak openly, joke, give advice, and do all kinds of other things i could never do in real life. Once i became an experianced player these fellings increased and so did my confidence. I could now be a mentor or an irreplaceable part of a 10 man team, needed to kill bosses
       Even with all these positives there were negatives too. I became more and more withdrawn from the real world, from my real friends, and even from my family, it also caused me to hid from my symptoms rather tha address them.  There were even times my symptoms were so bad the games didnt help, and with no other skills to manage my symptoms I was forced to put that mask back on, and every time i put the mask on it became heavier and heavier, harder to keep up. I had to pretend that i was okay and go about my normal life. Even if the game was working there were times i couldnt play and i would have to do the aforementioned.
      Today, i still use these games to manage my symptoms  it is still much easier to be myself on the game than with my friends in real life, it is also much easier to speak to people you cant see when you have anxiety like mine and have one major thing already in common. The question i have now is "is this escape healthy or is it hurting me working on myself?" and " Is this an addiction, a way to manage my symptoms, an escape, or all three?"
Overcoming Depression One Step at a Time By Addis, Michael E., Ph.D./ Martell, Christopher R. (Google Affiliate Ad)

Don't read this post

before i start blabbering incoherently i want to say that this post is entirely for me though im still not sure i should write it because once i do i will be branded with a scarlet letter because only a few of you actually understand what im going through. ive been dealing with anxiety and depression for about 7 years now and i didnt think i could go any lower than i already had. Today changed that this is the most painful day of my entire life i want and dont want a plethora of things all at the same time. Ive been fighting an uphill battle for seven years most of those years on my own and im exhausted. the pain i go through everyday is indescribable and even for me the person who deals with it, unfathomable. i dont understand why i am this way why i cant be normal why this all just wont go away. it isnt fair and im tired of it. everyday of my life is a vortex of a million emotions half of which i dont even understand they are feelinsg without a name just raw painful emotion. Im so confused all the time and it doesnt help my situation. i dont know how or what to feel or where all this pain comes from, but it doesnt really matter because its there its always there constant pain. all i want to do is give up to close my eyes one night and never wake up and then on the otherhand i want to fight so hard to get these feelings to flee, but it seems they will never go away. at this point im on so much medication that i dont even know whats doing what and sometimes i just want to start over to give up on the small ammount of progress ive made and go back a few steps so that maybe i can see whats actually helping. i want to cry but i cant i want to die but i cant i just want all these feelings to go away and never come back. i want to start my life i want to actually do something useful instead of pouring all my energy into a battle it seems i cant win. im sure all of you have experianced not being able to do something you want but multiply that by a thousand and thats how i feel about my life, it just seems like its going no where an endless circle of pain. I thought i had a handle on it that i could see the light at the end of the tunnel that i was getting to a point where i could function normally, and then i watched as that light was sucked back through the abyss and finally blinked out into nothing, i feel like i have somehow managed to hit the bottom of an endless pit. and now i sit in the dark surrounded by my pain wiriting to an audience that doesnt even exist trying to get my emoions out in someway. ive beenw riting in my head all morning enough to fill book after book it seems and its making me crazy because even as i write now i know its just raw emotion no begining no end. i feel like a bomb with a thousand wires all tangled and crossed with no way to defuse it just waiting to explode. i feel lost lost behind all my pain its even how i define myself. i have no idea who i am other than negative emotions and endless pain. the saddest part is i dont see anywhere to go no future no past no present just pain and its eating me alive. no one understands, everyone understands the concept but no one understands the actual feeling except maybe a few people that ive never met, i tell my family im having a bad day but do they really have any idea what that even means, becaause i barely do, everyday seems like a bad day and all i can do about it is run out the clock until i can finally fall asleep and escape from my emotions for a little while. all iw ant to do is drink or smoke or do anything that will take away this pain to give me a feeling i can hold onto that i can describe thats actualy tangible something that makes sense. because how i feel on a daily basis doesnt make sense and just furhter confirms that there is no god because if there was he wouldnt put this much on a single person people are strong but can only take so much, and i keep taking and taking and taking and get nothing back in return my body just fills up to these breaking points where i am right now and some how manages to take more so i feel okay for a little while until the reserves fill up again and i feel like i cant take anymore but then somehow the reserve gets bigger so i can take some more. this post makes no sense and neither does my condition i wanto to beat my hands bloody against a wall but i dont even have the motivation to do that, i want to cut but i cant i want to die but i cant i just want to feel better but i cant even do that. iv been staring into the abyss for so long it hink that its finally staring back, i feel bloody beaten scared and broken, a bloody pulp of pain and emotion that i cant even begin to fathom even thiugh im the one feeling it, so how can my docytors and therapists help me if i cant even help myself tomake some sense of what im feeling. hate, hate is the only thing i can use to describe how i feel, i hate who i am and what i feel and why im like this, i just hate everything. people talk about the joy they find in there lives and that its the true meaning of happiness i dont find joy in my life all i find is hate. so i hide in my virtual world of online gaming where i can hold the feelings at bay for a little longer and i can actually interact with people on a level that is somewhat normal but even that is becoming tiressome and thats not even real joy its an escape just like any other drug just a way for me to be someone else other than myself for a little while even though i dont even know who i am.everyday i ask myself when is this going to end or why cant it just end wheres my bus that will hit me when i step out into the street where and when is "god" going to give me a stroke of luck and take all my pain away. am i ever going to feel normal to be normal to enjoy my life and do something meaningful, when am i going to be able to start my life to do something other than manage my symptoms, i want to live. this is the real raw uncut unedited feelings of anxiety and depression maybe someone will understand.
[CD] The Mindful Way Through Depression By Williams, J. Mark G./ Teasdale, John/ Segal, Zindel/ Kabat-Zinn, Jon (Google Affiliate Ad)

The Story Behind SackZack

Being new to blogging I am not sure whether or not you can see my name, if not it is Zack Koval, but for my blog I will be going by SackZack. Because of that I figured I should go into a little more detail about the name. As you know i went to a boarding school called Avon Old Farms. At Avon sack is slang for "sack of shit" now I know your probably thinking why the hell would you want to go by that. The reason is sack really means to be lazy or to sit on your ass. Example: Lets go sack it. While i was at Avon I spent most of my time in my room watching TV or playing games and many of my friends affectionately referred to me as a sack. What they didn't realize was I was not just being lazy or choosing to be in my room all the time, it was just a way for me to protect myself from the feelings that came with social interactions, and was also one of the symptoms of my depression. I go by SackZack because its a bit of a paradox, yes i was technically being lazy but the real reason is I was suffering from depression and anxiety. I believe this name describes the symptoms of these conditions, so it accurately describes me, along with being an affectionate nickname. The point of this post is to give you a little more insight into my life but to also explain to people that we are not just being lazy, this is a negative side effect of anxiety and depression.
Climbing Out of Depression By Atkinson, Sue (Google Affiliate Ad)

the power of expression

Being the first real post of this blog it seemed fitting to title it after the namesake of my blog. My first post doesnt really explain the name so let me take the time now. I consider art and expression to be synonymis. i believe you cant have one without the other. even if you are just expressing your feelings through speech there is an art to it. Ive gone through most of my life not really feeling any emotions other than pain, fear, anger, and frustration, 4 very base emotions that most people feel easily. through therapy i learned that as another of my defense mechanisms i would push my emotions away and only these 4 powerful emotions would sometimes make there way through my barrier. This made emotions very confusing for me, everyone would say they feel emotions like sympathy and empathy and many others but i had never felt them because they were hidden beneath a hardened carapace. another thing i learned through therapy was how to better access and express my feelings to others and myself. Do not be like me, pushing your emotions away is exhausting and prevents you from seeing the real you. At first when i began to unlock my emotions i was overwhelmed i felt so many things i never had before and could barely explain to my councilor what i was feeling. this is where art helped me. I guess my point is you need to find an outlet and use it. My outlet is art.( sort of a confusing concept as my art of expression is art, a term that can mean so many things.) the art i used as my outlet was reading, writing, and drawing. these things gave me away to express myself even when i couldnt do it verbally. it is much easier for me to put down on paper what i am feeling than to actually say it. reading also helped because i could relate the the feelings a character experienced in the story. You dont need to be a picaso or emerson, or read dense philosophical books, as i certainly am not and dont. Art is about you, Art is imperfect, art can describe almost anything as long as it has meaning to you, and most importantly art is expression. Find your art, and express yourself, because expression is power.
The Freedom from Depression Workbook By Carter, Les/ Minirth, Frank B. (Google Affiliate Ad)

about me and my condition

      My name is sackzack, im 19, and i suffer from anxiety and depression. let me first apologize for my spelling and grammar. I am writing this for me as much as i am the people suffering from similar conditions. i would love for this to become something more than a public diary, but this is also just a way for me to manage my symptoms through the power of expression. I am hoping that those of you out there sharing my condition will benefit from my experience and gain something from knowing there are others suffering just like you and possibly gain some knowledge and skills that will help you persevere through your own illness.
      I have been suffering from anxiety and depression since i was about 12 or 13, though i did not realize it until much later, when i was 18 and in my freshman year of college. It all started during middle school. During the first half of middle school i was one of the "popular" kids, outgoing, plenty of friends, playing sports, and participating in social activities. Little did i know this would all change faster than the blink of an eye. As middle school progressed i gradually turned away from friends, sports, and most interaction with people in general. I still had a few close friends but nowhere near the relationships and social interaction as before. I turned inward not knowing where else to. i didnt know why i was so different, from others and my old self, i just knew i was. It was a feeling so real it was almost tangible. It followed me everywhere i went, like a swarm, and interacting with people just confirmed this feeling. I hated who i had become but it seemed like there was nothing i could do but grin and bare it. Luckily for me, after 8th grade i was moving to a private boarding school in Connecticut. I thought it was going to be a fresh start, a place to become the person i had lost. This was not the case. My anxiety was only intensified by having to meet new people and my depression worsened being away from home, i cried almost every night for the first month. This is when i learned why strongest defense mechanism which i like to call my mask. Mask may be misleading because it was more like the closet of a theater company filled with tons and tons of masks. One of my strongest qualities was being able to read people, i knew what they wanted and expected and was able to fill this role by using my mask to pretend i was someone else. Using these masks i was able to make friends, and fake my way through social situations, although my anxiety was really eating me from the inside out, but my mask hid these feelings from everyone, teachers, friends, and family. I was once again the personable outgoing kid, in a way that was entirely artificial. As high school progressed I became more and more comfortable wearing the mask until i became the mask. I was a mess of ideals and qualities that werent my own but atleast i had friends. As my relationship with my friends strengthened i had to do less and less to maintain these relationships. this allowed me sit in my room and hide behind tv shows and games knowing that even if i didnt spend much time with them i would still have friends. After my sophmore year i literally made no friends, just did what little work i needed to to maintain the relationships i had, i also spent more time in my room than i did out. The reason being the masks required more and more work to keep up, it was like they were sucking the life out of me, this combined with the symptoms of my depression made it hard for me to keep up the facade. By my senior year i was skipping the schools required sports and classes, spending even more time in my room alone.
      Next came college, the days leading up to leaving for school were some of the most anxiety filled and depressing days of my life. Even though i had lived at boarding school the last three years of that my parents were 5 minutes away, and they were my lifeline. But again there was hope it would be another fresh start. Once i got there nothing changed, i was terrified about having to meet knew people yet again because at this point i could barely keep my masks up. I made three or four friends as quickly as possible then hid in my room playing games and watching tv with these "friends," activities that required as little interaction as possible. At this point the only thing getting me through the day was pot. I smoked constantly all day, everyday. It made me more personable and took away some of my anxiety and even gave me motivation to do more things making each activity just a little more bearable. But as the masks were making me exhausted it soon didnt do anymore but mask my feelings for a little while. The motivation, the enjoyment, the lack of anxiety all faded, and it just gave me a feeling different than the terrible ones that come with anxiety and depression. this lead to even more smoking, i wanted to feel anything other than what i was, im surprised i didnt turn to other drugs. towards the end of my first semester i could only keep the masks up for short bursts so i stayed in my room 24 hours a day, skipping class, not eating, sleeping a lot or not sleeping at all, and only interacting with the few people who came to visit, but again this time was only filled by smoking, watching tv, and playing games. This is where i finally realized i needed help, after 6 years. I went to see a few doctors and was diagnosed with anxiety, depression, and add, although the add wasnt a major problem it didnt help in combination with the other two illnesses. Soon after i made the decision to leave school and get the help i needed. I am now in therapy twice a week and see a psychiatrist one every two weeks. This is only the background of my condition, and i will have more specific stories to come in the future.
-SackZack
Email me at zjk1313@gmail.com
The Anxiety and Worry Workbook By Clark, David A./ Beck, Aaron T. (Google Affiliate Ad)