before i start blabbering incoherently i want to say that this post is entirely for me though im still not sure i should write it because once i do i will be branded with a scarlet letter because only a few of you actually understand what im going through. ive been dealing with anxiety and depression for about 7 years now and i didnt think i could go any lower than i already had. Today changed that this is the most painful day of my entire life i want and dont want a plethora of things all at the same time. Ive been fighting an uphill battle for seven years most of those years on my own and im exhausted. the pain i go through everyday is indescribable and even for me the person who deals with it, unfathomable. i dont understand why i am this way why i cant be normal why this all just wont go away. it isnt fair and im tired of it. everyday of my life is a vortex of a million emotions half of which i dont even understand they are feelinsg without a name just raw painful emotion. Im so confused all the time and it doesnt help my situation. i dont know how or what to feel or where all this pain comes from, but it doesnt really matter because its there its always there constant pain. all i want to do is give up to close my eyes one night and never wake up and then on the otherhand i want to fight so hard to get these feelings to flee, but it seems they will never go away. at this point im on so much medication that i dont even know whats doing what and sometimes i just want to start over to give up on the small ammount of progress ive made and go back a few steps so that maybe i can see whats actually helping. i want to cry but i cant i want to die but i cant i just want all these feelings to go away and never come back. i want to start my life i want to actually do something useful instead of pouring all my energy into a battle it seems i cant win. im sure all of you have experianced not being able to do something you want but multiply that by a thousand and thats how i feel about my life, it just seems like its going no where an endless circle of pain. I thought i had a handle on it that i could see the light at the end of the tunnel that i was getting to a point where i could function normally, and then i watched as that light was sucked back through the abyss and finally blinked out into nothing, i feel like i have somehow managed to hit the bottom of an endless pit. and now i sit in the dark surrounded by my pain wiriting to an audience that doesnt even exist trying to get my emoions out in someway. ive beenw riting in my head all morning enough to fill book after book it seems and its making me crazy because even as i write now i know its just raw emotion no begining no end. i feel like a bomb with a thousand wires all tangled and crossed with no way to defuse it just waiting to explode. i feel lost lost behind all my pain its even how i define myself. i have no idea who i am other than negative emotions and endless pain. the saddest part is i dont see anywhere to go no future no past no present just pain and its eating me alive. no one understands, everyone understands the concept but no one understands the actual feeling except maybe a few people that ive never met, i tell my family im having a bad day but do they really have any idea what that even means, becaause i barely do, everyday seems like a bad day and all i can do about it is run out the clock until i can finally fall asleep and escape from my emotions for a little while. all iw ant to do is drink or smoke or do anything that will take away this pain to give me a feeling i can hold onto that i can describe thats actualy tangible something that makes sense. because how i feel on a daily basis doesnt make sense and just furhter confirms that there is no god because if there was he wouldnt put this much on a single person people are strong but can only take so much, and i keep taking and taking and taking and get nothing back in return my body just fills up to these breaking points where i am right now and some how manages to take more so i feel okay for a little while until the reserves fill up again and i feel like i cant take anymore but then somehow the reserve gets bigger so i can take some more. this post makes no sense and neither does my condition i wanto to beat my hands bloody against a wall but i dont even have the motivation to do that, i want to cut but i cant i want to die but i cant i just want to feel better but i cant even do that. iv been staring into the abyss for so long it hink that its finally staring back, i feel bloody beaten scared and broken, a bloody pulp of pain and emotion that i cant even begin to fathom even thiugh im the one feeling it, so how can my docytors and therapists help me if i cant even help myself tomake some sense of what im feeling. hate, hate is the only thing i can use to describe how i feel, i hate who i am and what i feel and why im like this, i just hate everything. people talk about the joy they find in there lives and that its the true meaning of happiness i dont find joy in my life all i find is hate. so i hide in my virtual world of online gaming where i can hold the feelings at bay for a little longer and i can actually interact with people on a level that is somewhat normal but even that is becoming tiressome and thats not even real joy its an escape just like any other drug just a way for me to be someone else other than myself for a little while even though i dont even know who i am.everyday i ask myself when is this going to end or why cant it just end wheres my bus that will hit me when i step out into the street where and when is "god" going to give me a stroke of luck and take all my pain away. am i ever going to feel normal to be normal to enjoy my life and do something meaningful, when am i going to be able to start my life to do something other than manage my symptoms, i want to live. this is the real raw uncut unedited feelings of anxiety and depression maybe someone will understand.
[CD] The Mindful Way Through Depression By Williams, J. Mark G./ Teasdale, John/ Segal, Zindel/ Kabat-Zinn, Jon (Google Affiliate Ad)
I understand.
ReplyDelete